QUESTION: I caught our live-in nanny stealing and fired her. The problem is our son, 3, loved her so much and now, he just cries and cries asking for her. He doesn’t like the new nanny. Will he get over this or is he scarred for life?
BBB: How great it is that your son loved your nanny so much. What a horror that this person betrayed your family. As angry as you must be, keep in might that she provided your son with the security that he needed, and now his heart is broken.
Had you asked me to help you map a plan for your nanny’s departure, we could have lessened the blow. But regardless, your son would have been sad. Attachment is attachment; separation is separation.
At this point, the best you can do is keep her alive in his memory. I would pull out any photos of her that you may have. Put a photo of the two of them together in his room. And, as much as you may not want to, you need to talk about her. For example, at breakfast you can say, “I am thinking about Susie. Remember how she used to make your pancakes just the way you liked them? I sure miss her.” Hide your anger and help your son to share his own feelings and memories.
You didn’t say how you explained the nanny’s leaving. Regardless, your son needs to know that people don’t just fall off the planet, so he needs to be told something plausible. As all children understand the concept of family, the three-year-old could be told, “Susie was no longer able to help our family and take care of you because she needed to take care of her own family. Now she is caring for her children [her sisters/brothers, etc…] and she doesn’t come here or work for us anymore.”
To reinforce the reality that Susie is somewhere, you can perpetuate fraud(!), by buying a few picture postcards. Mail one to your son that reads, “Dear Steven. I am living in Iowa with my family. I need to help them and take care of them. I think about you, and I miss you. Love, Susie”
Send one every few days, three in total. He will be thrilled to get mail! You can offer him the chance to send Susie a letter, too. Allow him to draw a picture for her and dictate his words for you to write. You can even put it in the mailbox, and it will be filed with all those letters to Santa!
As much as parents represent their nannies as part of the family in an effort to encourage respect and attachment, this isn’t the truth. Nannies can come and go, but parents do not. You might need to reinforce this reality by saying, “Susie worked for our family, and now she works somewhere else. Mommy and Daddy don’t ever leave the family; family stays together. Mommy goes to work, but she always comes back. Daddy may go on a trip, but he always comes back.”
Allow your son the time he needs to miss his nanny, to talk about his nanny and to process his feelings.
Betsy Brown Braun, M.A. is a Child Development and Behavior Specialist (infants to teens), a Parent Educator, and Multiple Birth Parenting Specialist. She has taught in both public and private schools, has been a school director, and was the founding director of Wilshire Boulevard Temple’s Early Childhood Center in Los Angeles. Betsy consults with parents privately, runs parenting groups, seminars and workshops for parents, teachers, and other professionals. She is the award winning author of the best selling, “Just Tell Me What to Say” and “You’re Not the Boss of Me.” Betsy has been featured on the Today Show, The Early Show, Good Morning, America, America Now, Dr. Phil, The Rachael Ray Show, Fox and Friends. She has been a guest on NPR and regularly contributes to KNX News Radio, and radio stations nationwide. Betsy’s expertise has been cited in Parents Magazine, Twins Magazine, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, Real Simple, and in numerous city specific newspapers and family magazines. Betsy and Ray Braun, Palisades residents for 38 years, are the parents of adult triplets and have three grandchildren, so far.
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