Ask BBB

“Being ready” to spend the night away from home is different for every child and for every family. And parents have strong feelings about when, with whom, and even if they will allow it, the child’s readiness aside. There certainly are no rules about it.

Typically, children are comfortable and willing to sleep out at a close relative’s home usually long before the parent will even consider a sleep over at a friend’s house. And the child’s comfort level in doing so has everything to do with the her/his temperament. Some children are real risk takers, up for anything; others require a much longer lead time. Other variables include the child’s relationship with the host, the frequency with which the child sees the person, the child’s familiarity with the host’s home set up. Just because the parent is ready does not mean the child is ready. And sleeping away from home without the parent is a whole different story from staying at the child’s own familiar home with a family member or even a sitter.

My own children began sleeping at my parents’ home at 2 1/2 years. But the first sleepover at a friend’s house was not until after 5 years old. My 8-year-old grandson just has his first sleepover at a friend’s house. Different kids, different stories.

Just as important is the parent’s own comfort level with the child sleeping out. When Mom or Dad is apprehensive or uncomfortable, the feelings usually leak, and the child takes on his parents’ feelings.

I share this information (even though this was not your question) for the purpose of clearing up misconceptions about children’s readiness for sleepovers.

I am curious to know why your child is going to your mother’s house, especially when you are a bit worried? Why doesn’t Grandma come to your house? I know many parents who fly their parents to them, as the grandparent is often the most trusted sitter.

All of this being said, it is hard to make a child ready for a sleepover, if s/he is not ready. Separations of all kinds seem to have their own timeline as long as the parent, with her own worries, isn’t undermining the child’s willingness.

Has your child had a “sleep under” at Grandma’s yet? That is when the child spends the whole day with Granny, has dinner, bath and gets ready for bed … and then s/he gets picked up. Some parents like that intermediate and preparatory step.

Have YOU spent the night at Granny’s house with your child? That is another way to ease into it. You are there, but you play a very back seat role, maybe even going out at night but coming home to Granny’s to sleep.

These are ways to ease into a sleepover that might make it easier, accustoming the child to the idea.

Should you call the child or video chat with him while he is away from you? I say no! It is my experience that the child gets used to relying on Granny (or the sitter). When you call or video, the child is reminded that you are not there, feeling “Oh yes, THAT is what I am missing.” Not all agree with me about calling because it is too hard on the worried parent, they feel. I suggest that parents call and talk to the grandmother or sitter after the child is asleep, if they need to check in.

There are some parents who allow the child to call them (on the sitter’s phone.) Not a good idea. Children need to get used to being separate from you. That means you are not always accessible. By the way, this goes for when parents go out in the evening, too. No calls!

Life is full of separations. If you are starting, then start full on. Just ease into the amount of time you are away. By so doing your child will learn that mommies (and daddies) always come back.

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.