Palisadian Liz Armstrong says that trying to raise a gay child in an environment with exaggerated stereotypes and toxic myths is ‘not for sissies.’ For parents of gay kids, Armstrong said, ‘All around are people wishing their children should be ashamed of who they are. Heterosexual kids are never told to deny all their feelings and hide them.’ As a member of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), Armstrong aims to support gay people and their families, educate society about gays and lesbians, and advocate for gays and lesbians. She spoke to a full house at AARP last week about having a gay family member and about gay marriage. When she attended her first PFLAG meeting in 1990 to support a friend who was having a hard time accepting her lesbian daughter, she loved it. ‘I was in a room full of people who thought gays were swell.’ Liz and Chuck Armstrong are the parents of three children, daughter Kathy Holmes and sons Cris and Jeff. Jeff, who was gay, died of AIDS in 1993 at age 36. ‘He was forming relationships, and if he had remained healthy, he would have had a family’he always wanted to be a dad,’ Armstrong said. Jeff received his MBA from Tulane and was the business manager for the Batoon clothing line before becoming ill. ‘He came to me at age 13 and said, ‘Mom, how can I tell if I’m gay?’ I said, ‘I don’t know, let’s learn.’ We ended up sending him to a psychologist to help him work out his confusion.’ Her son decided he didn’t want to be gay and had girlfriends throughout high school, but ultimately his heart was somewhere else. He came out while a student at UCLA. ‘At age 20, he came to me and said ‘Mom, I’m gay and there’s nothing I can do about it. When I see a group of gay students together, that’s where I want to be.” Liz said parents and family members need to be careful what they say when a family member comes out to them. ‘Most parents are sorry later for their first reaction, and it leaves scars.’ ‘No one knows why some children are gay,’ Armstrong says. ‘But it happens in every culture in every country. It’s not a choice and can’t be changed.’ Armstrong says parents are often sad at first when they learn their child is gay. ‘Parents worry about the future for kids’will they find love, good jobs and friends?’ Armstrong hopes other parents will grow to feel as she does”you’re so lucky to have a gay kid. Gay people really have to reflect on who they are; they’re deep thinkers and interesting people. Most people in PFLAG say having a gay family member has taught them something about love.’ Being a member of PFLAG, Armstrong has seen the great diversity of families that have gay kids. ‘There’s an old myth that a dominant mother and weak father make a gay person. You get in a room with people and see there’s no pattern that makes gay kids.’ PFLAG is a national organization that holds weekly meetings in communities all over the country. Meetings start with a ‘rap group’ where people share concerns, fears and successes. Liz, who has been married to Chuck for 56 years, says ‘Our son saw our marriage and wanted what we had.’ Armstrong asked her AARP audience ‘to think about gay people who have the same needs for support as we do and think about if there’s any way a gay marriage would hurt your marriage. I don’t see how it could hurt mine.’ In response to a comment later, she said ‘We’ve confused religious aspects with civil aspects. Some churches will want to marry gay couples, others won’t or can’t. Even if there is legal marriage, your church doesn’t have to accept it.’ Many of the people Armstrong has met in PFLAG are deeply religious and some have had to find new churches to attend. She mentioned one friend, a Mormon mother from Texas, whose son came out at age 16. She was initially devastated, and later ended up leaving the church she loved after friends wanted her to get her child to change. In a letter she wrote to Armstrong, she said, ‘We have celebrated our children’s births, suffered with them through their pain and rejoiced in their triumphs… and we will dance at their weddings!’ Armstrong answers a PFLAG hotline and also helps to encourage gay young people who sometimes come to the organization’s meetings, held at the Westwood United Methodist Church. ‘They say, ‘I’m so tired of hiding and lying. I could never tell my mother or grandparents.” To those that say ”my grandparents couldn’t handle it,’ I say, ‘I’m a grandmother and I can handle it.’ Kids are scared.’ Armstrong also recently spoke to Palisades Parents Together. ‘Our son was taunted and teased. Other kids called him names like faggot, even though he wasn’t sure he was gay. It happens in elementary schools.’ She sometimes speaks at junior high schools, but says ‘PFLAG doesn’t get invited too much because of parents’ objections.’ Armstrong completed her talk with a success story. ‘A father called me last fall, his daughter had come out before getting on the bus to leave for college. He was crying. He said, ‘she’s black, a woman, a lesbian’I can’t imagine what her life is going to be like.’ The daughter was suicidal but is now getting help. ‘Last month we were with her at the gay pride parade. She could see other people like her who were happy and successful; it was just great.’ For more information about PFLAG, go to pflagla.org or call 454-6681.
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