Ask BBB

Q:I have a 3-year-old daughter, and a few months after she was born, I had a medically recommended hysterectomy. I have been told time and time again by people who are not aware of the situation that my child will be lonely without a sibling, and now I am left feeling guilty. She also has begun to ask about brothers and sisters. Is it true that she’ll be lonely? Should I talk to her about it all or is she too young?

In the olden days—in books, shows and media—families were portrayed stereotypically: Mommy, Daddy, big brother, little sister … and a dog. Thankfully, those days are gone. Children today are being fed a rich diet of families of all kinds and compositions. But you were not. Likely, you were raised on the stereotype. And you probably still have it in your head. Included in that script are all the tales of “only children.”

Whether your family has five children or one, people will offer you “free advice” about why you should or shouldn’t have many kids or fewer, what’s best or worst, offer pity or praise, that includes the benefits or downsides to having an only child. Everyone has an opinion and a story to back it.

While your hysterectomy was so disappointing to you, unless it is your plan to adopt or use an alternative method of creating a family, your family is complete. I caution you to beware of the feelings you might leak. While your daughter may want siblings, it isn’t in the cards for you. She will pick up on your attitude, be it content or devastated. It is best not to discuss for some years the physiological reason for your having one child.

Let me begin by saying that your 3-year-old is not at all too young to talk in a confident and positive way about the nature of your particular family. “Daddy and I knew that we wanted to have one child. And you are exactly the child we wanted. We have just the family we dreamed of having.” 

Three years old is also a great age to talk about how many different kinds of families there are. “A family can be a daddy and a boy, a mommy and a daddy and two girls, two daddies and kids, two mommies and kids, a lady and a doggie. There are all kinds of families. A family is people (and pets) who love each other so much and who live, grow up together, and take care of each other for their whole lives.”

It is well within age appropriate for your 3-year-old to ask for a sibling. Kids observe the worlds in which they live, and they see their peers’ families having babies or including older siblings. They see it and want it. Whether it’s a toy or a little brother, it looks fun to have. Some might say here, little do they know.

In today’s world many people are choosing to have just one child. They have a variety of reasons, too. Whether it’s parental age, or the incredible cost, or feeling complete, or medical, quite frankly I feel like it is only the parents’ business and not anyone else’s. Unfortunately, yours was not a choice. I say this to emphasize the fact that there are many, many families who have only one child, including those who have made that choice and those who have not.

I confidently assure you that there will be times in your daughter’s life where you will wish you had more children. And there will be just as many times when you will be so glad to have just one. As a single child family, you will learn to operate with your child’s situation in mind. This may include things like befriending families just like yours, vacationing together, inviting a friend to join your daughter on certain outings, etc. Over time, you will become a pro.

I can share the many positives and negatives to having a single child or having more. These abound on both sides. To accept the wives’ tale that only children are lonely is a big mistake.

On a personal note, 50 years ago I married a man who is an only child. Over the years we have discussed how it was for him growing up. As would be expected, he said he always wondered what it would have been like to have siblings. He also shared how many friends he had. He has never said he was lonely as a child, not once. Truly, you couldn’t ask for a more wonderful man who is quite social, emotionally solid and who has been the greatest father to our own three kids.

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.