Palisadian Liz Armstrong says that trying to raise a gay child in an environment with exaggerated stereotypes and toxic myths is ‘not for sissies.’ For parents of gay kids, Armstrong said, ‘All around are people wishing their children should be ashamed of who they are. Heterosexual kids are never told to deny all their feelings and hide them.’ As a member of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), Armstrong aims to support gay people and their families, educate society about gays and lesbians, and advocate for gays and lesbians. She spoke to a full house at AARP last week about having a gay family member and about gay marriage. When she attended her first PFLAG meeting in 1990 to support a friend who was having a hard time accepting her lesbian daughter, she loved it. ‘I was in a room full of people who thought gays were swell.’ Liz and Chuck Armstrong are the parents of three children, daughter Kathy Holmes and sons Cris and Jeff. Jeff, who was gay, died of AIDS in 1993 at age 36. ‘He was forming relationships, and if he had remained healthy, he would have had a family’he always wanted to be a dad,’ Armstrong said. Jeff received his MBA from Tulane and was the business manager for the Batoon clothing line before becoming ill. ‘He came to me at age 13 and said, ‘Mom, how can I tell if I’m gay?’ I said, ‘I don’t know, let’s learn.’ We ended up sending him to a psychologist to help him work out his confusion.’ Her son decided he didn’t want to be gay and had girlfriends throughout high school, but ultimately his heart was somewhere else. He came out while a student at UCLA. ‘At age 20, he came to me and said ‘Mom, I’m gay and there’s nothing I can do about it. When I see a group of gay students together, that’s where I want to be.” Liz said parents and family members need to be careful what they say when a family member comes out to them. ‘Most parents are sorry later for their first reaction, and it leaves scars.’ ‘No one knows why some children are gay,’ Armstrong says. ‘But it happens in every culture in every country. It’s not a choice and can’t be changed.’ Armstrong says parents are often sad at first when they learn their child is gay. ‘Parents worry about the future for kids’will they find love, good jobs and friends?’ Armstrong hopes other parents will grow to feel as she does”you’re so lucky to have a gay kid. Gay people really have to reflect on who they are; they’re deep thinkers and interesting people. Most people in PFLAG say having a gay family member has taught them something about love.’ Being a member of PFLAG, Armstrong has seen the great diversity of families that have gay kids. ‘There’s an old myth that a dominant mother and weak father make a gay person. You get in a room with people and see there’s no pattern that makes gay kids.’ PFLAG is a national organization that holds weekly meetings in communities all over the country. Meetings start with a ‘rap group’ where people share concerns, fears and successes. Liz, who has been married to Chuck for 56 years, says ‘Our son saw our marriage and wanted what we had.’ Armstrong asked her AARP audience ‘to think about gay people who have the same needs for support as we do and think about if there’s any way a gay marriage would hurt your marriage. I don’t see how it could hurt mine.’ In response to a comment later, she said ‘We’ve confused religious aspects with civil aspects. Some churches will want to marry gay couples, others won’t or can’t. Even if there is legal marriage, your church doesn’t have to accept it.’ Many of the people Armstrong has met in PFLAG are deeply religious and some have had to find new churches to attend. She mentioned one friend, a Mormon mother from Texas, whose son came out at age 16. She was initially devastated, and later ended up leaving the church she loved after friends wanted her to get her child to change. In a letter she wrote to Armstrong, she said, ‘We have celebrated our children’s births, suffered with them through their pain and rejoiced in their triumphs… and we will dance at their weddings!’ Armstrong answers a PFLAG hotline and also helps to encourage gay young people who sometimes come to the organization’s meetings, held at the Westwood United Methodist Church. ‘They say, ‘I’m so tired of hiding and lying. I could never tell my mother or grandparents.” To those that say ”my grandparents couldn’t handle it,’ I say, ‘I’m a grandmother and I can handle it.’ Kids are scared.’ Armstrong also recently spoke to Palisades Parents Together. ‘Our son was taunted and teased. Other kids called him names like faggot, even though he wasn’t sure he was gay. It happens in elementary schools.’ She sometimes speaks at junior high schools, but says ‘PFLAG doesn’t get invited too much because of parents’ objections.’ Armstrong completed her talk with a success story. ‘A father called me last fall, his daughter had come out before getting on the bus to leave for college. He was crying. He said, ‘she’s black, a woman, a lesbian’I can’t imagine what her life is going to be like.’ The daughter was suicidal but is now getting help. ‘Last month we were with her at the gay pride parade. She could see other people like her who were happy and successful; it was just great.’ For more information about PFLAG, go to pflagla.org or call 454-6681.

By STEPHEN MOTIKA Special to the Palisadian-Post Each Californian pays just three cents a year to fund the arts. The budget of the California Arts Council has been reduced by 97 percent in the last three years, from $31 million in 2000 to $1 million last year. Due to this drastic reduction, the reach of the agency that provides grants to school-based arts programs, individual art projects, symphonies, and dance and theater companies has been decimated. This tragedy was the topic of discussion at a lunch last fall between journalist Donna Wares and book publisher Paddy Calistro. They agreed that something had to be done and the result is ‘My California: Journey’s by Great Writers,’ just published by Calistro’s Santa Monica-based Angel City Press, with all proceeds going to the Council. The anthology includes essays on the Golden State by 27 California writers. The pieces, ranging from personal reflection to sheer adventure, illuminate different areas of the state, from metropolitan Los Angeles to the rural Central Coast and the places in between. Each author donated his work, as did the book’s editor, publisher, designer, publicist, proofreader and printer. Even the cover, David Hockney’s ‘Pearblossom Hwy. 11-18th April 1989 (Second Version)’ was given by the artist and the Getty Museum, which owns the photographic collage. Now that the book is out, the many contributors are participating in readings at book fairs and bookstores across the state. Palisadian Carolyn See, who contributed to the volume, will be reading from and signing copies of the book on Thursday, July 29, 7:30 p.m. at Village Books, 1049 Swarthmore. See is thrilled with the book, praising its diversity and the fact that many of the pieces ‘are not exactly what you’d expect.’ Orange-county crime novelist T. Jefferson Parker has contributed a piece about fly fishing in the Owens River, but as the book’s editor, Donna Wares said recently, ‘It’s about a lot more than fly fishing.’ It marks a real journey up Highway 395, skirting the Sierra Nevada, the very backbone of the state. Wares, who has lived in California since 1986, was attracted to ‘Best American Travel Writing,’ an annual publication that reprints the best narrative travel essays to have appeared in magazines and newspapers the preceding year. ‘I always liked the sense of place in these collections and wanted to do a California version,’ said Wares, who approached Calistro about it, and they conceived of a narrative travel book to help raise funds for the endangered Council. With such a short turn-around time, Wares had little hope that many of the writers would be able to contribute to the volume. ‘These are enormously busy people and I was ready for a laundry list of excuses as to why they couldn’t contribute. Instead, most said immediately that they wanted to do it.’ One writer Wares had hoped to involve was Pico Iyer, whose travel writing she greatly admires. She sent a letter care of his publisher but did not hear back. Just as they were putting the finishing touches on the manuscript, he contacted her to see if he could still be involved (he had been in Japan and had only just received the letter). She agreed and when his piece came in, she realized that it would make the perfect introduction to the book. Wares said: ‘Iyer unintentionally touched on so many of the points that other writers had touched on. His piece made a natural introduction.’ Iyer’s cosmopolitanism and international scope represent the diversity of the authors in ‘My Californi.’ Wares is delighted with the ‘mix of newcomers and immigrants as well as the lifelong Californians.’ She notes the ‘range of the authors, from poet devorah major to novelist Michael Chabon, from nonfiction writer Mark Arax to journalists Patt Morrison and H’ctor Tobar.’ In the close of his introduction, Iyer invokes the state in celestial terms: ‘The gift of California, for those who have not just dreamed of it, but dared to stake everything on those dreams, is to look far beyond the everyday, and in the general direction of the stars.’ Indeed many of the pieces seem to wrestle with the dreams and the quotidian of the Golden State, of its promises and failures. For See, the very paradox of California, as a paradise and spoiled paradise, is ‘what makes it such a terrific place to write about.’ Her own contribution to the anthology, ‘Waters of Tranquility,’ dates from a few years back, when her life partner John Espey was dying and she took walks around Self-Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine to release the stress and pain of caring for him and dealing with his relatives. The first time around the lake she would be cursing with rage, but after three or four times she was able to notice the beauty of the world around her. In short, the very secular Carolyn See was having a spiritual moment. ‘My California’ may seem like divine intervention to the California Arts Council, but it shows the amazing will and commitment of the state’s literary community. The Council is thrilled about the book and will apply all proceeds from it to fund student writing programs around the state. Now, as See says, ‘People need to go out and buy this book.’ ‘My California: Journeys by Great Writers,’ $16.95 For more information about its participants and upcoming events, visit http://www.mycaliforniaproject.org

1954: RAY and MARGARET KIRBY

Margaret Larabee was 3 when her parents, Oscar and Beryl, moved to Pacific Palisades in 1930. After earning degrees at Pomona College and the University of Colorado, she became a laboratory technician in plant biochemistry at the UC Riverside Citrus Experiment Station. This led to a fateful June day in 1952, when Margaret was helping to decorate a USO dance at the YWCA and she met Ray Kirby, who was stationed at nearby March Air Force Base. ‘There was a big ladder on stage that needed moving,’ Margaret recalled this week, ‘and there were several servicemen standing off to the side, so I asked them to help. Ray stepped forward and hauled it away, and pretty soon we were dancing.’ ‘And we’re still dancing,’ she said, her eyes lighting up. Ray, who was separated from his first wife, began taking Margaret to ballroom dances and square dancing three or four times a week. ‘He was a nice man, and very good looking,’ she recalled. Their romance survived two long separations (he spent seven months at a mechanics school in Texas and then three months in England) before they were married on June 19, 1954 in the Community Methodist Church on Via de la Paz. Rev. Leonidas Brock officiated, and Ina Biding sang two wedding favorites at the time: ‘Always’ and ‘Because.’ A week before the wedding, C.D. Clearwater, editor and publisher of The Palisadian, wrote in his June 11 column: ‘Next week, there are three important weddings coming up. All weddings are important so far as we are concerned. Our hope is always that each wedding may be the last that the two principals may take part in; and in Pacific Palisades a surprisingly large percentage of them work out that way. Much greater than the general average.’ Clearwater would be happy to know that Ray and Margaret Kirby, one of the couples he cited, celebrated their 50th anniversary in June with a gathering of family and friends at the Methodist church. Back in 1954, the Kirbys drove up Highway 1 to Little River and Mendocino for their honeymoon, then returned to Riverside. When Ray got out of the Air Force in 1956, they moved to Santa Monica and Margaret joined UCLA’s neurology department as a laboratory technician. She soon went to work at Douglas Aircraft, only to be laid off four months later because she was pregnant. Meanwhile, Ray attended Art Center School of Design and was hired by Rocketdyne as an industrial artist in 1958. He worked for various aerospace companies until he retired from Northrop in 1994. The Kirbys moved to a home on Swarthmore in August 1956 and lived there 23 years until 1979 when they moved with Margaret’s mother to their current home on Erskine. Their daughter Ruth was born on November 6, 1956, and a son Ray Edward was born in 1959. ‘Ruth arrived on election day, but I was able to get an absentee ballot at the hospital in time to vote,’ Margaret recalled. The couple have been actively involved at the Methodist church. Ray ushered for several years with Ray, Jr., and now sings in the choir, along with managing the sound system. Margaret has chaired several church committees and once served as membership secretary for 15 years. They also work hard on the three homeless dinners hosted by the church every year. ‘I’m in charge of the kitchen,’ said Margaret, ‘and Ray cuts the meat and runs the dishwasher.’ Ray was Scoutmaster of Troop 23 and has been active in American Legion Post 283 (serving as commander in 1978-79) and Riviera Masonic Lodge 780, while Margaret has been president of the P.E.O. chapter five times and served on the Community Council for several years. She also reads textbooks to blind students and reads at nursing homes. The Kirbys’ daughter, Ruth, and her two children (John Dean, 12, and Jennifer Dean, a third-generation student at Palisades Elementary) now live with them, while Ray, Jr., lives in Palm Springs. The two boys from Ray’s early marriage have given him 11 grandchildren and 20 great-grandchildren. ‘ ‘We’ve had a very happy life together,’ Margaret said, ‘and we hope to continue our love affair for many more years.’ What has been the secret to their long marriage? ‘We learned to trust each other,’ said Ray. ‘We had friends and we did things separately, but they were just friends; they didn’t come between us. Another thing: never sleep on your anger’settle your differences before you go to sleep. ‘That’s for sure,’ said Margaret, who added: ‘We’re always there for each other and we don’t have any real arguments. The last one was in 1992, when I was exhausted, and before that it was over 20 years. When Ray gets mad, I just keep my mouth shut. If we get mad at each other, we never stay mad for very long.’ After all, there’s always a Big Band dance coming up at the American Legion hall.

1953: KIT and JERRY FESTA

When 9th grader Jerry Festa gave Kit Morgan a ride home on his bike the night she graduated from 8th grade in Berkeley Heights, New Jersey, this was the beginning of their love story. Being too young to date, they would meet at the local movies in a group, until Kit was a junior and Jerry a senior in high school. After graduating, Jerry played semi-pro baseball and entered Seton Hall University, where he majored in education, planning to become a teacher and coach. This was during the Korean War and he had to join the Marine Corps reserves in order to remain in school and graduate. Meanwhile, Kit went to work and remained at home to help care for her three younger brothers (including twins born to her parents three days before Kit graduated from high school). Kit and Jerry finally married on February 1, 1953 in North Plainfield, New Jersey, the day after he finished college. Three months later he entered the Marine boot camp in Quantico, Virginia, before transferring to Camp Pendleton. Kit worked in the office of the post exchange and attended college until Jerry completed his service in 1955. When the couple returned to New Jersey, it was September and too late to sign a contract for teaching, so Jerry found a job with the Metropolitan Life Insurance company in Newark. Meanwhile, Kit was busy raising three boys’Robert, John and Richard’and a daughter, Joy. In 1961, after an especially rough winter, the Festas decided to return to balmy California, where Jerry was promised a job with MetLife in Santa Monica. His parents soon moved to Mar Vista, followed six months later by Jerry’s brother and family who moved to the Palisades. The whole family used to meet every Sunday at either of the brothers’ homes for the usual Sunday pasta dinner cooked by Momma Festa and then Poppa Festa after her death. ‘We all have happy memories of the large family gatherings,’ Kit says. ‘There were seven cousins and always a few friends to share in the good food and the good times.’ Jerry was an assistant manager for MetLife when he found their first house in Pacific Palisades in 1962. Always an athlete, he played volleyball at the Santa Monica YMCA with a State Farm manager, who suggested Jerry try his hand at being a casualty agent for State Farm. That’s how he acquired his agency in Pacific Palisades, which he has owned for almost 40 years. Kit worked in the office until she retired in 1996. The Festas have always been active in volunteer work in the community. Jerry was a member of the Optimist Club for many years, helped found the Pop Warner football program here and was instrumental in taking over the Palisades Fourth of July Parade from the American Legion, along with Ray Haddad and Jim Whitman. Kit was PTA president at Palisades Elementary, a member of St. John’s Hospital Guild, Las Doradas and the Palisades Junior Women’s Club, and a Girl Scout leader. She is also involved in Project Linus, making blankets for babies and children in hospitals, shelters and the children of servicemen sent overseas. After becoming a leader of disaster preparedness efforts in Pacific Palisades, Kit was named a Golden Sparkplug and, in 1989, Citizen of the Year (with Flo Elfant). Most recently, she has started a local fun-loving Red Hat group, which follows the advice of the poem ‘Warning’ by Jenny Joseph: ‘When I am old woman, I shall wear purple, with a red hat.’ Jerry, a tennis player and golfer, still enjoys both sports, practicing his golf daily. This past year he shot his age (73) on the tough Riviera course and he rarely misses his every-other-day workout at the Spectrum Club. The Festas, who have a second home in La Quinta, also enjoy buying and remodeling houses; they have lived in most Palisades neighborhoods. Their extended family includes Terri Festa, owner of Terri’s Restaurant on Swarthmore. Meanwhile, their eldest son, Robert, a master’s graduate of Pepperdine, is a senior colorist at Riot post-production in Santa Monica and married to Karen and has two daughters’Michelle, a recent honors graduate of Loyola Marymount, and Marissa, who just graduated from Chaminade High School. John is an insurance broker here in the Palisades and shares offices with his daughter Danielle, a Berkeley graduate who works for Farmers and is a successful agent for scriptwriters. Joy, a graduate of the Fashion Institute and married to Lee Schroeder, works in Jerry’s office. They have one daughter, Courtney, a senior at Oak Park High School who modeled clothes at her mother’s former store, I’N Joy Kids on Antioch. Rich, a Pepperdine graduate, is a State Farm agent and is married to the former Jeanne Elfant. Their daughter Daniela, a budding tennis player, and son Tony, a sailing enthusiast, are both Corpus Christi students. To celebrate Jerry and Kit’s 50th anniversary, their children and spouses held a party at the family home. Joy baked the family’s favorite carrot cake, Bob read a tribute from the adult children, and the invited guests shared stories. ‘It was a really fun evening and something we will remember always,’ said Kit. For reasons why their marriage has succeeded, Kit said: ‘Tenacity, patience, love’you gotta love the guy’and faith. Faith plays a large part in my life.’ Jerry added, ‘Just hang in there no matter what happens. There are good days and bad days, and you learn to be flexible.’